Why Are Life Transitions So Hard? (And How to Navigate Them)
Recently, one client, a brilliant professional stepping into a leadership role poured out her heart. “I’ve worked my ass off for years,” she confided, eyes searching mine for understanding. “Late nights, missed family gatherings, sacrifices—you name it. And now, finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for. A promotion. A step up the corporate ladder. But instead of feeling overjoyed, I’m overwhelmed.”
“Overwhelmed? Why?” I leaned forward, intrigued.
“Because, Madjeen, it’s not what I expected,” she said, tracing the rim of her coffee cup. “I thought this promotion would be my ticket to happiness, validation for all those sleepless nights. But now that it’s here, I feel… lost.”
This is a universal experience for everyone who navigates major life transitions. Like the new mother, cradling her newborn, while mourning the quiet moments she left behind—the ones where it was just her and her partner, cocooned in anticipation. Or the empty nester, standing in a room once filled with laughter, now echoing with silence as children venture into their own lives.
And then there’s retirement—the golden years. The executive who traded deadlines for leisure, yet finds herself adrift. “Who am I without the office?” she wonders.
When we navigate these milestones—whether it’s a promotion, becoming a parent, or retiring it feels like our internal compass does a wild dance. What was once familiar now shifts into the unknown, prompting us to rethink who we are and our place in the world. They stir up emotions we didn’t know existed. It’s okay to feel conflicted—even when success knocks at your door.
Life Transitions vs. Life Changes
Before we dive deeper, let’s pause and consider the terms we often use interchangeably: life transitions and life changes. At first glance, they might seem like two sides of the same coin, but they carry distinct meanings.
Life changes are the external shifts—the tangible events that alter our circumstances. These can be major or minor, planned or unexpected. Examples include:
Graduating
Becoming a parent
Relocating to a new city
Getting married
Losing a loved one
Changing jobs
Retiring
Now, let’s shift our focus to life transitions. These are the internal shifts—the emotional, psychological, and identity-related adjustments that accompany life changes. Transitions are less about the external event itself and more about how we adapt, grow, and redefine ourselves in response to these changes. They involve:
Reevaluating our values and priorities
Questioning our sense of self
Adapting to new roles and identities
Imagine a woman becoming a mother for the first time. The birth of her child is the life change—the external event. But the transition? It’s the profound shift within her—the recalibration of her identity, the dance between old and new roles, the emotional terrain she traverses.
And another example: when you step into retirement, leaving the workforce is the life change, and the transition involves finding meaning beyond the office walls and adjusting to a different rhythm of life.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Why Life Transitions Are So Hard
Life transitions can suck. Even if they are positive, expected, or unexpected, they can still bring a certain heaviness and uncertainty. It's not just you; it's human nature. Our brains are set up in a way that makes navigating life transitions inherently difficult.
A few years ago, I faced a defining moment in my career. I decided to leave a secure, high-paying leadership position due to its toxic environment. While I knew this was the right decision for me, and the next endeavor connected closer to a deeper calling in working one-on-one with people, supporting them in their personal transformation journey. I still dealt with a whirlwind of emotions, from fear of failure and the potential regret of leaving behind a role that had become a part of my identity. The decision, though scary, underscored a common struggle many of us face: the resistance to change. It’s an internal battle between the comfort of the familiar and the uncertainty of new beginnings.
Let's break down what's happening behind the scenes in our minds when we're faced with the prospect of change:
Why We Crave Routine and Fear the Unknown
We're creatures of habit. From the moment we wake up and start our morning routine to the route we take to work, there's comfort in knowing what comes next. Our brains love predictability because it's efficient. It means we can save our energy for when we really need it, like spotting dangers or solving problems. But when change is on the horizon, suddenly, we're on high alert. Everything we've neatly filed away as 'known' gets thrown into the 'unknown' pile, and our stress levels go up. It's our brain's way of saying, "Hey, pay attention, something's different here," gearing us up to face potential threats.
Here’s an interesting fact - A study by researchers at the University College London found that people actually experience more stress when there's uncertainty about whether they might receive an electric shock than when they know for sure they'll get one. This shows how our brains react more strongly to uncertainty, which is exactly what change brings about. We're wired to prefer a certain negative outcome over an uncertain one, which makes stepping into the unknown of a new job, city, or life stage incredibly stressful.
Understanding Our Fear of Loss During Life Transitions
Have you ever wondered why the prospect of losing something, even as simple as a daily routine or a familiar environment, can trigger such a profound sense of dread?
Research in psychology has also highlighted two key concepts that play a significant role in our resistance to change: loss aversion and the status quo bias. Loss aversion, a principle from behavioral economics, suggests that we feel the pain of losses more acutely than we feel the pleasure of equivalent gains. The idea of losing a familiar community, workplace culture, or even daily routines can be particularly daunting for us women of color, who may have worked harder to establish our place due to systemic barriers.
Closely related is the status quo bias, which is our preference to keep things as they are. When we are given a choice, we tend to stick with the current situation, even when a change could lead to better outcomes. This bias reinforces our natural inclination to resist change, as maintaining the status quo requires less effort and poses fewer immediate risks.
For us women of color, keeping things as they are is rooted in a desire for stability and predictability, but it can also stem from a deeper understanding of the unique challenges and microaggressions we often face in new environments.
Navigating Identity Shifts During Life Transitions
Perhaps the most profound aspect of life transitions is their impact on our identity and self-concept. For many of us, our jobs, relationships, and routines are not just what we do—they form a part of who we are.
For women of color, these roles often include navigating and reconciling multiple cultural identities and expectations, both personally and professionally. Changes that threaten these aspects of our lives can feel like threats to our identity, leading to resistance. This is why transitions, even positive ones like promotions or moving to a better neighborhood, can trigger a complex mix of emotions, including a sense of loss or conflict.
The Challenge of Letting Go
Imagine holding a bag in your hands. It's packed with the past—comforting, familiar, and full of stories. This bag might be comforting after the loss of a spouse, providing a tangible connection to shared memories. It might also be the role you've outgrown but can't seem to leave behind, like the job that's well-past its fulfilling days.
Now, imagine life is ready to offer you something new—like a million dollars, a metaphor for fresh experiences, peace, or perhaps the next chapter of your story. You can only embrace this new chapter if you have the space to receive it. But to make space, you need to let the bag go.
This is the heart of why life transitions are hard. Our psychological wiring, makes us want to cling to that bag for dear life. For some, it may look just like a bag. But to us, it's our identity, our comfort zone, our safety net.
But what might we gain if we dare to release our grip? It’s not necessarily about the joy of new external opportunities—it's also about internal growth, the kind that helps us find strength in solitude, purpose in pain, and new identities in the wake of change.
Strategies for Navigating Life Transitions
Navigating life transitions means acknowledging that while the bag we hold is part of our story, it's not the entirety of it. Here's how to start the process of letting go:
Acknowledge your loss: Recognize that your attachment to the past—be it a person, a job, or a phase of life—has shaped you, but it's not your current destination.
Consider the possibilities: Think about what that metaphorical million dollars represents for you. It could be new personal insights, deeper connections, or a renewed sense of purpose.
Prepare to let go: Reflect on the idea that sometimes we need to set down our old stories to write new ones. What could your life look like if you freed up your hands?
Seek support: You're not alone in this. Talk to friends, join support groups, or find a life transition coach to help you navigate this transition.
Take the leap: When you're ready, loosen your hold on the bag. Trust in your ability to handle what comes next with open hands and an open heart.
We all have our bags, don’t we? Maybe it’s a job that’s lost its spark, a habit that’s become a crutch, or a fear that’s kept us small. We cling to them, afraid of what we’ll lose if we let go.
But what if we dared? What if we unzipped that bag and set it down? What if we believed that something grander awaits? Only when we drop what no longer serves us, we can make room for something new. The next chapter is unwritten, and it's yours to pen with a heart unburdened and a spirit ready for whatever comes next.
