Finding and Rediscovering Yourself After Motherhood

When I brought my daughter into the world, I realized something profound: life as I knew it had changed forever. Suddenly, I wasn’t just me anymore—I was a mom, entrusted with the well-being of this tiny, vulnerable human.

There was a silent loss, a void nobody talks about. Beyond the physical changes, beyond the post-pregnancy figure chatter, my pre-mothering self started to shift. My identity, my personality, my mind, my life—all underwent a quiet transformation. Despite my joy at becoming a mom, I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt and dread for having these conflicting emotions. No one prepared me for this emotional earthquake.

It was a silent struggle, one that I felt I had to keep to myself. After all, society often expects new mothers to feel only joy and elation after giving birth. So, I put on a brave face and conformed to those expectations—despite feeling a complex mix of emotions.

If you can relate to this narrative, know that you are not alone. As a life transition coach and a mother, I’ve witnessed firsthand how many women, regardless of their dreams or expectations, experience this paradox. The moment our babies arrive, our purposes and responsibilities transform dramatically. In this blog post, I delve into the heart of this paradox, why it feels this way and explore ways to find and rediscover your identity after motherhood.

The Silent Struggle of Matrescence

Interestingly, there's a term that captures this type of developmental transition: matrescence. It was coined in 1973 by Dana Raphael. Much like adolescence, matrescence is a period of significant change that affects a woman physically, emotionally, and socially as she transitions into motherhood. Coined in the '70s but often overlooked, this term brings to light the profound shifts that can feel as disorienting and profound as those we face in our teenage years.

Yet, unlike adolescence, matrescence is often experienced in silence. Society tends to focus on the joy and beauty of motherhood, overlooking the struggles and challenges that come with it. This can leave new mothers feeling isolated and misunderstood, grappling with their new identity in silence. The term matrescence brings validation to these feelings, acknowledging that just as adolescence is a turbulent transition, so too is the journey into motherhood. It's a silent struggle, but one that is shared by mothers around the world.

Losing Your Identity as a New Mom

Motherhood reshapes us in ways we never anticipated. It’s not just about sleepless nights and diaper changes; it’s about the quiet reshifting of our former selves. Our passions, our dreams, our independence—they all take a backseat. We become the architects of our children’s lives, while our own identities blur into the background. 

The loss of our identity comes in waves. First, there’s the overwhelming responsibility of protecting a human being other than yourself. Our relationships, once the center of our universe, now share space with midnight feedings and diaper changes.  Our jobs, which we used to pour our hearts and souls into, get pushed aside to make way for calming down a colicky baby and trying to understand baby talk. Personal time? Snatched during naptime or stolen in quick showers.  

And then there are our passions—the hobbies, interests, and creative pursuits that once fueled our souls. The paintbrush gathers dust, the novel remains half-read, and the yoga mat curls up in a corner. We tell ourselves it’s temporary, that once the baby grows older, we’ll reclaim those lost fragments of ourselves. And just when you think you’ve got a handle on things, the game changes. Teething, crawling, walking, talking - each new stage brings its own challenges and joys.

Yet in the midst of this ever-changing journey of motherhood, we have a chance to rediscover what fulfillment really means. As we transition into this new identity, we begin to find strength in our resilience. Little by little, we realize that even though parts of us had to take a backseat for a while, they weren’t lost. We learn to blend the new parts of who we are with the old, creating a version of ourselves that’s not lesser, but different and enriched by the experience of motherhood.

Tips to Find and Rediscover Yourself After Becoming a Mom 

Embarking on the journey of rediscovery after motherhood can be daunting, yet profoundly rewarding. Here are five crucial tips to help guide you through this transformative period:

Acknowledge the Transition 

Major life transitions are inherently hard to navigate so the first step would be to acknowledge the transition into your new identity.

This transition often brings about a profound shift in identity and roles. You might find yourself missing the freedom you had before or feeling nostalgic for the person you were. But remember, these feelings are part of a normal process. They don’t mean you love your child any less or that you’re not cut out for motherhood.

Allow yourself to grieve the aspects of your past life, understanding that this grieving process is crucial for embracing your new role. Creating simple rituals to honor your past experiences can be a powerful way to acknowledge and respect the identity you are transitioning from. This acknowledgment can be empowering, as it validates your feelings and reinforces that you're undergoing a significant life change, not losing your core self.

Practice Self-compassion and Acceptance

Motherhood is a journey, not a destination. And like any journey, it comes with its share of bumps and detours. As you navigate this complex transition, remember to be kind to yourself.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s OK to feel self-doubt. These feelings are common and are a part of the transition into motherhood. Accepting these feelings doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.

Practicing self-compassion can be a powerful tool in easing this transition. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend. Remember, it’s okay to not have all the answers and to make mistakes. You’re learning and growing along with your little one

Let Go of Cultural Expectations and the Pressure to “Bounce Back”

In many cultures, there’s a strong expectation for mothers to not only raise their children but also manage household chores, cook, and maintain a certain level of productivity soon after childbirth. On top of that, there’s often an unspoken pressure to “bounce back” to your pre-baby self. Questions like “When are you going back to work?”, “When will you be ready for another baby?”, and comments about your body can add another layer of stress to the already challenging role of motherhood.

The flawless, effortless life shown on social media often magnifies these societal pressures. A recent study by the University of Nebraska-Lincoln highlighted the stark contrast between the realities of motherhood and the images portrayed by "momfluencers." While these influencers may seem to have it all together, it’s important to remember that what we see is often a carefully curated highlight reel, not a reflection of real life. The study found that mothers with a higher tendency to compare themselves to others were more negatively affected, leading to feelings of inadequacy and less confidence in their own parenting abilities.

These cultural norms can often lead to feelings of inadequacy and stress, especially if you’re unable to meet these high standards. It’s important to remember that these are societal expectations, not personal failings. Every mother’s journey is unique, and it’s okay if your experience doesn’t align with these cultural norms.

As a new mom, it’s crucial to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being. It’s okay to ask for help and take time for yourself. Remember, taking care of your mental and physical health is just as important as taking care of your baby. And most importantly, it’s okay to take your time to adjust to your new role. There’s no set timeline for when you should “bounce back”—because motherhood isn’t about bouncing back, it’s about moving forward and finding your new self.

Set Realistic Goals and Celebrate Small Achievements

Motherhood can sometimes feel like a marathon with an ever-growing list of tasks and responsibilities. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, but remember, it’s not about doing everything—it’s about doing what you can, one step at a time.

Start by setting realistic, manageable goals each day or week. This doesn’t have to be anything grand—it could be as simple as taking a walk with your baby, reading a book for 10 minutes, or even squeezing in a small workout. The key is to choose activities that are achievable and make you feel good.

And here’s the important part—celebrate these small victories! Did you manage to take that walk? Great! Did you read for 10 minutes? Awesome! Every small achievement is a step forward in your journey of motherhood

Build Your Support Network

You’ve probably heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” This couldn’t be more true when it comes to motherhood. As a new mom, having a support network is not just helpful—it’s essential. Your ‘village’ can be made up of family, friends, or even new parent groups. 

These are the people who are there for you, cheering you on, ready to lend a helping hand or a listening ear when you need it.

While family, friends, and parent groups make up your personal ‘village’, don’t forget that there are professionals out there who can provide valuable support too. This can include therapists, counselors, lactation consultants, postpartum doulas, and even your healthcare provider.

Conclusion: Embrace Your New Journey into Motherhood

Finding and rediscovering yourself after becoming a mother isn't just a return to who you were before—no, it's an awakening to the powerful new you that has emerged from the transformation of motherhood. The journey is packed with its highs and lows, a real rollercoaster of self-discovery that opens your eyes to strengths you never knew you possessed, and a deeper, more intuitive understanding of your own self.

Remember, this journey isn't about adjusting to a new normal but creating your own. There is no set roadmap or timeline for this process. Every day is a chance to explore what brings you joy and fulfillment.

Celebrate every small step forward. Each one contributes to your unique transformation and shows your strength and resilience. And remember, it’s perfectly okay to take things one day at a time—you're doing an incredible job.